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Welcoming All Children and Youth

Think back to a time when you were new to a group. Perhaps you joined a new sports team, or started a new school or a new class. You may have felt a little nervous entering this brand new setting. When you were preparing to join this new group, you may have asked yourself, “Will they like me? Will I belong? Will they accept me even if I’m different?” Now, think about what members or leaders of that group did to help make you feel comfortable and included in this new group. What made you feel valued? What made you feel “at home” and safe with this new group of people?

When program staff learn that a new child is joining their classroom or program, they want to make that child and family feel welcome. Program staff should reach out to the new child and family to learn more about their interests and experiences. This knowledge provides information to help program staff facilitate positive peer relationships; staff members can create activities and foster conversations amongst children with similar interests and experiences. The caregivers should work proactively to introduce the new child and their family to the program community and provide support as peers interact.

Sensitive caregivers also examine their program environment to ensure that the activities and materials offered, as well as the language used in the program setting, are reflective of, and respectful towards, different individuals. In addition, sensitive caregivers intervene when another child or adult says something disparaging or derogatory about a particular individual or a particular group of people. Anytime a staff member becomes aware that a child is being bullied or made to feel unwelcome in the program, they are responsible for finding ways to create an environment that supports that child and their family.

Some children or youth may not feel safe sharing their gender and sexual identity or that of family members when they encounter messages that are homophobic and transphobic, including messages from their peers. People who assert that they do not know any gender expansive or LGBTQ people sometimes learn that they have created an unwelcoming environment by sharing homophobic or transphobic comments; the LGBTQ people they know chose not to share their identities because they felt unsafe. 

Some people mistakenly believe they have no gender-expansive or LGBTQ children in their center or school. As discussed in previous lessons, we know from population research (Bureau of Census, 2017) it is likely that at least one gender expansive or LGBTQ child is already enrolled in most child development or school age and youth programs. Although homophobic and transphobic communication are likely the most hurtful kinds of messages to people who are gender-expansive or LGBTQ, comments which assume children or their family members are heterosexual, or that they embody all the stereotypes or characteristics that are associated with the gender they were assigned at birth, may have a similar effect. For instance, asking a boy if he agrees that a female classmate is pretty or asking, “do you have a girlfriend yet?” conveys the expectation that the boy is heterosexual. Assuming a girl will want to wear the sparkly dress-up gown in dramatic play, or make pink and purple friendship bracelets in the art room, conveys the expectation that the child enjoys and wants “feminine” things. Without taking time to reflect, these kinds of messages confine children’s gender and identity expression.

Preventing Bullying

Child development centers and school-age programs can create environments that reduce bullying. The effects of bullying can be far-reaching, affecting self-image, school performance and social development. As discussed previously, bullying affects gender-expansive and LGBTQ children at much greater rates (Kosciw, Greytak, Bartkiewicz, Boesen, and Palmer 2011).

GLSEN, the Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network, provides resources to support children, youth, and educators in creating positive program environments. GLSEN also conducts a climate survey of middle school and high school students to gauge the impact of bullying and unwelcoming environments on LGBTQ children. Some results from this survey are shown in the graphic above. This knowledge from older children provides useful information about what gender-expansive and LGBTQ children and youth experience. Older children can often provide a clearer description of their experiences and how these experiences influence their self-understanding. However, what constitutes bullying may be easier to understand and label with older children who may use derogatory terms (e.g., “sissy,” “queer,” “fag), physical violence or intimidation, or clear disparaging remarks about gender-expansive or LGBTQ peers. It may sometimes be more difficult for program staff to recognize bullying with younger children and know proper strategies to intervene. Name-calling is only one form of bullying. Younger children may also not have the language to specifically state they feel bullied, but instead may withdraw from the group, or perhaps display challenging behavior when they feel unwelcomed, unsafe, or threatened. Caregivers need to carefully watch children’s behavior and remain sensitive to children’s responses.

In preschool or grade school, children may sometimes form playgroups or play scenarios where they exclude others. Although this behavior is somewhat common at this stage in development, such action requires appropriate support and adult intervention to help children understand how to act respectfully toward their peers. Forming a playgroup around a common project or interest is one thing, but excluding others from an idea or experience because of how they look, dress, or behave is another, and requires a sensitive response from adults. Children may sometimes exclude others based on their gender expression. For example, one child may say to another something like, “You aren’t going to play with Kate anymore are you? Kate wears boy’s shoes.” When a staff member hears this, it would be important to intervene. The staff member could say, “I bet Kate would feel hurt by those words” to emphasize Kate’s feelings and perspective. The staff member could also remind the children of a particular program or community rule that is focused on treating others respectfully, “Remember our rule to treat others with love and kindness? Do you think your words fit that rule?” Lastly, the staff member could also emphasize the ways Kate could contribute to the play idea or project the children are working on, “I think Kate could really add to your idea; just yesterday I saw her building an elaborate fort.” In addition, the staff member could also look for activities that would help these children and Kate work together, and incorporate more activities that ask children to reflect on bullying, including what it feels like to be left out by others.

Children who create play themes around dating or marrying someone of the same gender may also experience teasing or exclusion from their peers. This is again a sign that caregivers need to intervene not only in the moment, but also by helping to provide resources that show a diversity of individuals and family formations. Some adults might feel uncomfortable with this type of play. It is important to remember that adult responses shape how children feel about themselves and how they treat others. One approach to support the children would be to acknowledge the play with a comment like, “I see Sarah and Elisha are getting married. I’m remembering we still have the decorations we made for Alice and Rafa’s wedding we could use.” 

It can be useful to have a set of books about bullying on hand to read or incorporate in your lesson planning. See this learn resource for information on some books for children 0 to 12 that can help spark conversations around bullying, and open the door to emphasize what kind and inclusive behavior looks like. These books are not focused specifically on gender-expansive or LGBTQ children, but rather on the concepts of diversity, respect, and inclusivity more broadly.

Books That Start Conversation

Use the menu at left or the pager below to cycle through

 

	Llama, Llama and the bully goat, by Anna Dewdney Following their teacher's lead, Llama Llama speaks to Gilroy Goat and tells him he should not act like a bully on the playground (NoveList K-8 Plus)
	Marlene, Marlene, Queen of Mean, by Jane Lynch Marlene is the class bully until Big Freddy stands up to her. (NoveList K-8 Plus)
	Spaghetti in a Hot Dog Bun: Having the Courage To Be Who You Are, by Maria Dismondy How can Ralph be so mean? Lucy is one of a kind and Ralph loves to point that out. Lucy's defining moment comes when Ralph truly needs help. Because she knows what she stands for, Lucy has the courage to make a good choice. This charming story empowers children to always do the right thing and be proud of themselves, even when they are faced with someone as challenging as Ralph. (Amazon editorial review)

	Confessions of a former bully, by Trudy Ludwig Nine-year-old Katie's punishment for bullying classmates includes making up for the hurt she has caused, and so she decides to write a book about bullying, why it is not okay, and how to start being a better friend. (NoveList K-8 Plus)
	Wonder, by R.J. Palacio Ten-year-old Auggie Pullman, who was born with extreme facial abnormalities and was not expected to survive, goes from being home-schooled to entering fifth grade at a private middle school in Manhattan, which entails enduring the taunting and fear of his classmates as he struggles to be seen as just another student. (NoveList K-8 Plus)
	Because of Mr. Terupt, by Rob Buyea Seven fifth-graders at Snow Hill School in Connecticut relate how their lives are changed for the better by "rookie teacher" Mr.Terupt. (NoveList K-8 Plus)

It is important to remember that older children may experience online or cyberbullying. School-age children and youth participate in social media (such as Facebook or Snapchat) at younger and younger ages. Recent research indicates that 52% of 12-13 year olds have a mobile phone and by age 14, this jumps to 72%. Ninety-three percent of teens age 12-17 go online. Of those teens who go online, 65% use an online social networking site. (Lenhart, 2009). Gender-expansive and LGBTQ children may seek out online community supports. This can be helpful, as this may allow gender-expansive and LGBTQ children to find others with whom they feel safe and who have similar experiences. However, when online, children may also receive additional negative messages about themselves or groups to which they belong. As discussed in the Safe Environments course, addressing internet safety within your program and providing information to families is crucial to help support children’s safety and positive self-image as they navigate the internet, and social media in particular. 

Inclusive Language

The way we respond to children, and the language we use affects their sense of self, as well as their understanding of diversity in the world. When children express gender in creative ways, caregivers can respond with questions. When peers respond negatively to children who are gender-expansive, caregivers and staff can respond by challenging the assumptions around gender. Anglican minister and activist, Laurel A. Dykstra, makes these suggestions for inclusive language in the classroom or program:

• Use the words “some” or “most” when discussing gender
  Examples: “Most boys grow up to be Daddies” or “Some girls grow up to be men.” The use of “some” and “most” are helpful in response to children’s assertions. For example, if a child says, “She can’t be a boy; boys have a penis!” or “You’re a boy, you can’t grow up to be the Mommy.” The use of “some” and “most” both acknowledge children’s comments and provide knowledge of the diversity in life.
• Acknowledge children’s experiences, make connections where you are able
  Example: “Those aren’t girl’s shoes, those are Sam’s shoes.” and “My friend Cindy is a fire fighter.”
• Encourage children to challenge their assumptions
  Example: “Could a man wear a dress?”
• Respectfully point out people who are gender-expansive in their behavior or dress.
  Example: “My friend Christine likes to wear bow ties, too.”
• Talk about bullying in the context of differences.
• Allow questions in your classroom.
• Encourage exploration of feelings.
• Call children by the names and pronouns they choose. When new children, youth or families enter your classroom or program, you can ask how each member wants to be addressed, giving them the space to let you know what feels most comfortable.

You can also use inclusive language when children share their own, or their families’ beliefs. All children bring their families’ beliefs into the program, and when they do so, the program benefits from seeing the diversity within their communities. However, it can feel challenging to know how to sensitively respond when a child shares a belief that is limiting towards a certain group of people, or when children share contradicting beliefs. Some children may share statements such as, “Daddy says men can only marry women.  Isn’t that true?” or “You are born a boy or a girl; you don’t get to pick.” You can respond sensitively to such statements by using a key word: some. The phrase “Some people believe…, and others believe…” can be a helpful guide. For example, you can state, “Some people think men can only marry women; other people think that adults are able to marry whomever they love.” This provides a simple, factual statement that respects different beliefs. Then, as needed, you can follow-up with what are respectful and kind actions in your program, for example, “although people can believe different things, it is never okay in our program to tease others or intentionally leave them out of activities.”     

Non-Verbal Responses

Non-verbal responses when working with children are very important. A quiet smile, a furrowed brow, crossed-arms, an impatient sigh, and an attentive gaze all communicate – they communicate the caregiver’s thoughts and feelings. If a child who is assigned male at birth shows up to the program in a frilly skirt and bows, and a staff member gasps, makes a disgusted face, rolls their eyes, or giggles, this will likely be noticed by the child and that child’s peers. It signals that gender-expansive expression is not accepted or safe within the program.  It can be hurtful to the child and the family in question, and it does not provide a model of respectful action for the other children and youth in the program. Nonverbal responses can also be subtle redirections, which indicate to children that the classroom or program does not welcome diverse gender expression. For example, if a staff member pays little attention to Carly’s stories about football plays, or ignores Joe’s request to be the mommy in their play scenario, this teaches children that to be heard, or positively noticed, they need to act in a way that aligns with their assigned gender. Unfortunately, individuals may not always be aware of their non-verbal responses. You can help your coworkers by gently pointing out when you notice a person’s non-verbal response and create a safe space to talk about their thoughts and feelings when children are not present. For example, “I noticed when Janice showed up in a buzzed-haircut and soccer gear today you looked really shocked. Do you want to talk about that?”

In addition, one way you can become more aware of your non-verbal signals is through reflecting on your own feelings and seeking support when needed. For example, some caregivers may feel uncomfortable and not know how to respond when children create a play scenario as a two-mom family visiting the veterinary clinic with their sick puppy and another child asks, “but where is the Daddy?” Reaching out to your trainer, coach, administrator or a trusted colleague for support can help when you feel uncomfortable or unsure. Remember it is normal and healthy for children to ask questions, especially when they encounter new information. For this particular scenario, remember the use of the helpful word some, “some families have two moms and no daddy.”  You can use acknowledgement to show children that you hear their different ideas and beliefs. 

See

These videos contain information, advice and experiences from families as well as experts in the field of early childhood education around issues of bullying, diversity and inclusion in programs.

In addition, they provide concrete examples about the kinds of materials and activities that help support all children and youth. As you watch, where do you see families or experts discussing some of the concepts you have learned across this course? What strategies for creating and maintaining inclusive environments do you see and hear?

Do

Inclusive Activities

When staff members choose activities for their programs, they may not always be aware of how their activity choices impact gender-expansive or LGBTQ children, or children from families with a gender-expansive or LGBTQ member. In the past, it was assumed that children had a mother and father at home. Real families are very different. Some children are raised by grandparents, two fathers, an aunt, or take another form. It is important to listen when children and their family members describe their daily lives to identify the essential people in their lives.

Here are some additional ideas from Laurel Dykstra about activities designed for inclusion:

• Color days. Encourage children to wear or try materials of a particular color including pink and purple. Have extra pink things including ties, vests, and hard hats.
• Bring a variety of toys or materials to include or discuss in circle time. When talking about the toy with children, take time to emphasize that it is for everyone, not for “boys” or “girls.” Try to avoid using pronouns for inanimate objects. Remember that things, like toys and clothing, do not have gender.
• Try something different. Have children try toys they don’t usually play with and then talk about it.
• Stereotype game. Teach kids what a stereotype is (e.g., monsters are scary, boys are noisy, girls like dolls) and ask children to identify stereotypes in their play, in your teaching, in books and in advertisements. This skill is helpful not only for making a safe space for gender-expansive and LGBTQ children and youth, but it also helps all children be careful thinkers about the messages in their environments. This website provides more information on stereotypes in children’s media exposure and how this affects children’s development: . By talking about stereotypes, you can help prevent some of the negative consequences of stereotypes read or see in different forms of media.
• Move the dress-up box. Make sure the dress-up box has many options and is moved to be near the trucks one week and near the kitchen set the next week.
• Special guests. Invite people in nontraditional jobs for their gender. As you invite special guests to share information about or explore various jobs, interests, or the arts in your community, do not shy away from inviting a person who is gender-expansive or LGBTQ.
• Choose books with gender-expansive characters. Books about gentle boys may be more difficult to find. Some suggestions are Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman, Prince Cinders by Babette Cole, The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf, The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch, and Oliver Button is a Sissy by Tomie dePaola.

Boys do This, Girls do That?

Children understand gender at young ages. As discussed in earlier lessons, the formation of gender and sexual identity is a complex process. Creating a program that supports expansive gender expression is a way to welcome all children. Boys who are encouraged in their choice of gentle play and girls who are encouraged in their choice of more active or assertive play will benefit from expressing their true selves, and the opportunity to develop a wide-array of skills.

Lastly, read the resource, Talking to Young Children About Gender from Gender Spectrum which gives some concrete ways to talk with young children about gender and provides sensitive ways and language to respond to children’s questions or comments about gender.